SDMX (somniamagus) wrote,

It Will Never Cease.

The past few months have been something of a challenge for my skills as a self-justifier. I've moved somewhere new and had to justify that I feel comfortable and that I belong there. I've changed jobs and had to justify that I'm upholding some sort of moral guideline working for a parent company that I find reprehensible.

Tonight is different though. Tonight, when I got home from work, from an almost 2 hour commute, I fell asleep from exhaustion. I woke up three hours later, put on pajamas, talked briefly with Inna. I took my Scott Pilgrim comics off the bookshelf and picked up where I left off probably more than a year prior. It was unreasonably quiet; it still is, as if the ambient sound is drawn in by the gravity of this moment of self-consideration.

And then I got my computer out and in the face of all of that frankly compelling evidence, I begin trying to justify why I believe I'm an adult.

To a man, and when I say a man, I mean most men, and when I say most men, I mean me, he himself is not the measure of all things, as the axiom says. It is true that he measures all things against himself, but it doesn't end there. He still must measure himself. And when he does so, and by he, I mean I, he does it against his father. To a man, the measure of all things is against his father. And when my father was my age, he was already married and had been for several years. When my father was my age, I was walking.

The things my father wanted are not the things I want though. The world is different now, though it remains a struggle to separate ourselves from the accomplishments that have essentially always defined us as a civilized race. So great a struggle it begins to worry me that it borders on delusional. I feel like there's a dangerous chance that I'm pulling a Don Quixote on this, blindly rushing at the windmill that is my eventual marriage or future child. That, until these things are done, to my peers I'll just be a glorified teenager in shiny armor demanding that I'm a grown-up.

Intentionally left incomplete.
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